The Food Chronicles

Thursday, April 12, 2012

Daily Mealer 3/29/12

Editor's Note: Today's events have drastically changed my outlook on 2012 and the possibility of an Apocalypse. Changing weather patterns, shifting poles, and countless theories, old and new, have plagued my conscious hours, and even non waking hours, tossing different scenarios and possibilities, visions and ideas of how the end of the world would actually be perceived by my senses. Finally, after much consideration and research, I have become firm in my own personal conclusions on what 2012 will behold. Until today. Now, I do believe the world may in fact end on December 21, 2012, if not before. It is clear that patterns are changing, and nothing, I repeat, nothing, is as we have come to know it. Even if it appears similar, upon closer inspection under a watchful eye those changes become surprisingly obvious. I, my friends, am genuinely afraid. Afraid that, even if the world does not end, this might be the beginning of the demise of our beloved Food Chronicles.

7:42 Walks out of playpen, morning cappuccino in hand.

1:11p Gets up to toast bread for PB&J.

1:13p Explains to us how she in forcing herself to eat, and is simply not hungry, didn't even feel like having her morning bowl of cereal (or three). I have noticed.......and I am distraught.

2:02p "You guys are having coffee, I'm having poporn." proceeds to finish an entire bag of popcorn, the bag which first made it's appearance in our chronicles last Friday, and then reappeared yesterday, now gone forever.

3:47p I end today's episode with a prayer for an appetite tomorrow. May you all join me.

Daily Mealer 3/28/12

Editor's Note: I realize the articles this week are lacking, I am hoping we can get back on track with the overeating asap. If not, I may start to use Stew as the main focus of the Food Chronicles as he has been on a strict diet for the last two months and fell off a couple days ago. He has been on an increasingly fast downward spiral, binging on any and everything in sight, all week. But he is nice, and we like Stew, so it wouldn't be nearly as funny.

7:42a Enter Agnus. 12 minutes late. I spot a whole box of Raisin Bran in food purse. I don't say anything and wait for her to acknowledge me, I am still disgusted from the last minute bathroom-bombing session yesterday afternoon and the day long music debacle. She pretty much whispers "morning." I respond with a "Good Morning!!!" just to piss her off, because I know it will.

7:46a Morning cappuccino.

8:33a Clark enters, walk towards the playpen, headed directly for Agnus' lair. Slams down a package of microwave popcorn. "Oh! you brought the popcorn! Wait, that's not the same kind.......this says....fat free??" Clark replies, "Yea, it's different but still really good." "Oh..." Can I get a THANK YOU!? Or are we too overwhelmed at the absence of fat content to use our manners??

8:44pm "Spinach and garlic ravioli....that sounds delicious." In reference to today's specials. "But, I remember when I got it last time it wasn't that filling. They didn't give you a lot of raviolis" I hate when people say 'raviolis'. "I mean, its not like the raviolis were gigundamundo stuffed, which would have made up for the small serving. But they were small stuffed." 'Gigundamundo' and 'raviolis' in one sentence. Double whammy.

8:52a Shuffle shuffle over to the kitchen for a first helping of Raisin Bran. So glad I sit next to the bathroom and can witness first hand the effects of our fibery adventure we are embarking on!

8:56a "Say goodbye to Toucan Sam" as she mangles her old box of Fruit Loops and throws it in the trash. Mind you, she mumbles this while gargling and trying not to choke on/spit out her mouth full of Raisin Bran.

10:14a Spoon jingling inside coffee mug....files blocking my view.......

10:34a Walks out of lair, coffee mug and spoon in hand, states, "It's a soup day." as she walks past my desk, into the bathroom to, hopefully, do number one, not two...and wash her mug/spoon, a morning tradition.

10:52a Sandwich baggie chock full of Chex Mix makes first appearance.

10:58a Finally digs into above mentioned treat.

11:06a I discover the songs "Sweet Maree" and "The Window" by Steve Miller Band. Bliss. Please indulge at some point. (and I don't like it because it's Maree, that's just a bonus.)

12:04p Cupcake for an office birthday.

12:41p Emerges from the playpen gnawing on a piece of jerky. Curious.

1:39p Stealthily walks to fridge and grabs a yogurt. I peer over to see her vigorously scraping the frail aluminum lid which sheltered this creamy substance right up until its final hour. Don't miss a morsel!

1:42p I begin to wonder, what did Agnus have for lunch????

3:03p "I'm gonna go to the bathroom, and then nab a cupcake on my way back."

3:30p Agnus has left the building.

Daily Mealer 3/27/12

7:47a Enter antagonist Agnus. 17 minutes late. The past few weeks in my professional realm have worn me down mentally, there has been a lingering, omnipresent sense of upset and ill will, all born from the focus of our readings. I strive to maintain my level of character; having set high standards for myself I prefer not to stoop below personal expectations. (Although, based on these articles I am a complete hypocrite.) Today, whilst powering through my morning routine, I dressed myself not only with threads and fabrics, but in addition I adorned myself with a fresh perspective and new tactics, determined to beat this, thing, this, force, this, woman, the most Deborah-y of downers, the most negative of Nancys; logic advising me a new approach is in order, as all of my past efforts have far exceeded fruitless. I hypothesized that if, and only if, I am able to exert extreme kindness and compassion in the face of extreme malice and disrespect, than I may be able to conquer the beast. It was only a measly 17 minutes into my day when I was first able to test my theories, at precisely 7:47a. I heard the time clock, followed by the familiar Nike shuffle, a terrifyingly slow and threatening cadence, advancing down the hall, moments until she rounded the corner adjacent my desk. I looked up, softly, big brown eyes begging for justice, yet exhibiting the utmost confidence. I greeted Agnus. "Good Morning!", only to receive a, "morning." in return. The smallest, tiniest, most invisible of "morning."s I have ever received. It was then I knew, it would be one hell of a day. (3:13p looking back at this early morning entry I must pat myself on the back and say, damn I'm good. I knew she would make this day a living hell. She's so predictable. 17 more minutes until she leaves, then the music goes back on!!! Wooo Hoo!!! Read on to understand.)

7:52a Agnus' better half, Clarence, is a beef jerky master. A couple weeks ago she brought some in for everyone, and a few diehard fans formed a pool, put money together to purchase another couple roasts, so they could rip into another batch. Today Agnus came bearing an entire shopping bag full of homemade jerky. This was one of the best things to happen to the office all year. Everyone has been put in a good mood because of it. Thank you Agnus. Well, thank you, Clarence.

8:17a Munching on personal jerky stash.

8:42a More jerky.

9:17a More jerky.........................................................................................................

9:47a Two bowls of Fruit Loops.

9:57a More jerky. This is unbelievable.

10:04a Two of the crew members stayed behind today, to slave away cleaning the warehouse as indentured servants. They are kept back there in silence and blistering cold on this surprisingly frigid spring day. Out of compassion and sympathy I prepared the pair two cups of scalding hot cocoa, and rigged up the intercom of my desk phone to transmit the music inside out to the warehouse. The volume was cranked a bit above normal for this, but nothing intolerable, by any means. Agnus, after snidely remarking on the decibel level, got up from her perfectly form fitting chair and shut the door- making it known to everyone that this was majorly inconveniencing her life. It was shortly after this that upper management requested I turn down the music, and the poor warehouse workers were forced to persist quietly until days end. It only takes one bad apple to ruin the whole damn day for the bunch.

11:37 PB&J time. Toasted, with a side of jerky.

1:28p I am surprised at how slow this week has been thus far, the usual plethora of goodies to grace my perception in a given day has seemingly dwindled to fewer choices and a more sporadic pattern of indulgence. It is making these chronicles harder to produce......perhaps she's keen to my observations.

1:47p Shut the door again, due to an apparent mild case of melophobia. How old are we again?? I forgot, people under the mental age of -5 can't handle the careful organization of notes and timing. See, what happens is when someone of that capacity is exposed to any musical composition which is not that of complete discord, it actually propels them into neural progression, instead of the steady regression that is typical of such a phobic.

1:57p After Reginald (upper management) entered the playpen to see why the door was shut and was informed by Agnus that the music was preventing her from making phone calls (cough cough...bullshit...cough cough....) It was requested that we turn it off. Stacy and I are FUMING. Now you have ruined our afternoon, and the entire day for the warehouse workers, because of your selfishness and misery, a burden you couldn't bear to bear alone. Must bring everyone down with you. Despicable.

2:19p Reginald, in a surprisingly good mood towards Agnus the antagonist, eagerly distributes Monster energy drinks to everyone in the office who wants one, explaining he just purchased an entire case. I readily accepted because I am about to go on a baby punching spree, and caffeine always manages to make me feel on top of the world. Agnus, on the other hand, declined. I find it notable when she declines something ingestible, be it liquid, solid, gaseous, whatever. She declined, reason being the diet pills she is on do not interact well with caffeine, as they already make her scalp tingly. I say, DRINK UP AGNUS! Everyone here pretty much despises you right now! Let's see what happens! a;lkdsj ai[oewut[aorkjgt;akldj [adrk;lrjEWOTKJLA;DKJ FA;SKLDJF <--- that's how I can best articulate my feelings at this moment.

3:01p Seriously though, what person does this!??!!??!? Who can't stand music!? And I know it's not that. She just centers her life around making others equally as miserable as she is. Hence, The Food Chronicles. I apologize for lack of food comedy today, I am simply outraged by her immaturity and lack of compassion.

3:14p 16 more minutes until, ding, dong the witch is gone. (just a song that comes to mind when I think about her leaving and the music resuming.)

3:15p 15 more minutes. It's been a whole lot easier since the bitch left town, been a whole lot happier without her face around. (another song for her departure.)

3:28p I swear that what I am about to tell you all really, really happened. Right before she left, she blew up the bathroom. My desk is pretty much inside the bathroom, it is right next to it. She f*cking bombed the bathroom! You had two minutes left until you were on your merry way home!!!! DA FAAACK!!!!!! I need a drink.

Daily Mealer 3/26/12

Editor's Note: Good Morning children. Today's number is, three.

7:36a Agnus enters the building, wielding a box of, yes, Limited Edition Fruit Loops, quart of milk in tow.
These are just the visible, out-of-food-purse-items.

7:38a Ventures to kitchen for morning cappuccino. At this time, she delivers her three large sized slices of homemade pizza, which it is safe to assume are composed of copious amounts of meats and cheeses, minimal vegetables, to the refrigerator. It is now when she warns our friendly coworker Zeek, "I'm putting my lunch in the fridge, try not to eat it." (A couple weeks ago there was an incident, may it never be forgotten, one of Agnus' slices went missing. It took days to finger the perpetrator, it was a perilous and exhausting search however the fruitful efforts paid off, when, finally, Zeek confessed to helping himself to the mystery fridge pizza. To avoid such a catastrophe she now delivers friendly reminders, if the food is not yours, stay far, far away.)

7:48a In an effort to follow up from Friday's excitement, Agnus asks Clark, "Where's my popcorn?" Clark responds, "In the truck." End scene.

8:36a Told Stacy the story about how she had to warn Zeek this morning that she was putting 3 slices of pizza in fridge, all in an effort to ensure its safety through the four agonizing hours before noon when it may finally meet its match and be devoured, once and for all.

8:40a Reviewed today's lunch specials for the local hot spot. There was a discussion which followed, unfortunately I missed it due to a phone call.

8:44a Journeyed to the kitchen for Fruit Loop time. Again, in an effort to follow up from Friday's discussion, she stops at my desk to show me the coveted Limited Edition Fruit Loop box. She shows me the front, the back, the inside, I got a full tour. She proceeds to explain to me how it's a game and there are cards you can collect, finally ending this torturous conversation with a bit of wisdom as she walks away to the kitchen, "More shit for people to keep in their homes." My thoughts exactly, Agnus.

8:46a Bowl of Fruit Loops- round one.

8:50a Fruit Loops round two.

8:54a Fruit Loops round three.

8:55a "These Fruit Loops are too frickin' good."

8:57a "They make Multigrain Cheerios with peanut butter, saw the commercial last night. I was like holy shit!"

12:31p After another sparsely fed morning, it is finally the beloved lunch time. 3 slices of pizza........open wide! Let the games begin. Round one.

12:36p Round two.

12:41 Round three.

12:49p "Now all I need is a toothbrush and toothpaste, my breath is all garlicky. Ick." I do my best to ignore this comment, responding only with the tiniest of "ha's", in an effort to acknowledge but not indulge. She meanders over to the fridge, and I'm thinking WHAT NOW!?!??! Grabs a yogurt, of the "fit and active" variety, and says, "Think yogurt will help?" I say, "I guess we'll find out!" and then quickly turn to log in this most exciting entry.

2:09p I make my way into the playpen for business related, well, business, she turns to me and says, "My breath is still funky from all that garlic." I say, "So the yogurt didn't help??" "No, I mean, a little, but still too much garlic." I reply, "Well you better tell whoever made that pizza to lay off next time." We shared a giggle. I'm so funny. I continue to high-five myself as I return to my desk.

3:31p This concludes today's tastings. Reconvene tomorrow.

Daily Mealer 3/23/12

Editor's Note:

The Daily Mealer represents the true dichotomy of my persona. On one

hand, it adds hilarity and relief to an otherwise impossible day;

however, I find it leaves me feeling little and, in some respects, on

the same purely motivated and simple level as Agnus. My conscious has

somewhat deterred me from its continuance, completely eliminating it

from my routine yesterday. This proved unacceptable as my few, yet

avid readers were begging for its appearance in their inboxes. So, it

is with you in mind, my humble audience, which I swallow my guilt and

deny my benevolence, for your assumed laughter and appreciation is all

I need to repair the holes inflicted on my ego during the creation of

this article.That being said, this one's for you.

[We begin our day today with a fight in the playpen, which is my

nickname for Agnus and Stew's shared office. Many conflicts erupt

here, as the total mental capacity of said area reaches, on a good

day, a fifth grade level. This morning's quarrel pertained to proper

spelling of a name, and ended in Agnus yelling, literally yelling, at

Stew, exclaiming, "Shut up before I put your teeth down your

throat!!!" Please note- even in something completely non-food related,

there remains the underlying connotation of items sliding down one's

throat. Seems to be at the forefront of Agnus' thinking, almost

always.]

8:07a Above mentioned fight had just ceased, tensions were extremely

high, as you can imagine. Clark enters the playpen, having missed

everything that had just occurred. He says, innocently, to Agnus, "Hey

you want some popcorn?" My innermost being immediately begins to churn

with laughter. Agnus completely ignores the question, frozen with

residual anger. Rude. Meanwhile, I'm still dying inside. Clark walks

away.

8:16a Clark reenters the playpen. Poses the question again, this time

met with a response, "Yea, I'll buy some" she states, quietly, coyly,

as if doing him, and the world, a favor. Please, try to contain your

excitement. Seriously. I know this is the most exciting thing that's

happened to you yet today, and probably will remain that way.

8:36a Stacy walks over to view the Daily Specials, Friday is order out

day (usually Monday through Thursday are too, but they are "trying to

be good" so keeping it to a minimum, and only ordering Fridays, which

always has to be fish until Lent is over. I know, it's ridiculous.)

"Did you bring lunch Stacy?" "No, you?" "Well, I got my back up PB&J,

but I might order. There's crap on there today though, the only thing

that looks remotely good is the seafood salad platter." The two of

them continued to deliberate about this for the better part of 8

minutes, which I will spare you all from, although it was quite

entertaining. (What do you think is in it? Crab? Lobster? Shrimp?

Imitation or real? What if there's too much mayo? Onions? Should we

toast it? and so on and so on.)

8:42a I moseyed on over to Agnus' lair very nonchalantly to check

today's stock. We have bursting sandwich baggies, one containing Fruit

Loops, one containing Chex Mix. When I say bursting I mean BURSTING.

While I was paying my visit I stated, "Are those Fruit Loops?! I

haven't had those in forever, I forgot all about them!" Agnus replies,

"Yea! They are. They're having a limited edition thingy right now,

they're putting these in the box" She proudly holds the bag up for my

inspection, where I spied the surprise. It appears the pink fruit

loops are temporarily in the shape of 8's instead of O's. I said,

"Huh. I wonder what prompted that, is there any reasoning behind it?"

"I don't know, didn't see anything on the box." I said, "I wonder if

it was manufacturer error and they're trying to play it off as

intentional." She looked at me more perplexed than I have ever seen

before. Yes, Agnus. I am a genius. Ain't no cheesy marketing gonna get

by me. It's okay, they taste the same, buck up Jr.

9:07a "Alright it's Fruit Loop time." Walks over to the fridge,

removes her Tupperware full of milk. Have at it, girl. "God dammit, I

just realized that I forgot to bring my tuna fish. I made tuna fish

for today and I forgot to grab it when I went downstairs to get my

milk and everything. That's okay, I have my backup PB&J." Oh thank

goodness!

9:09a "These are good, they're not as heavy as Cheerios. I like them,

they're just lighter." Thanks for the update.

9:12a "Well, those were good, I'm still stuck on my Honey Nut Cheerios though."

9:52a "Yeeeaaauuup. Seafood salad. Mmmmmmmmmmmmm."

10:34-11:52a Back and forth and back and forth and back and forth

about what's for lunch. I had to obtain FOUR, I repeat, FOUR, faxes of

Daily Specials in addition the the ones we automatically receive.

There were 6 employees (out of a total of 6 employees) all heavily

debating where we should go for lunch, two of them being huge

advocates for fish on Fridays (guess who), the three men being huge

advocates of meat all the time, and me, being a huge advocate of going

wherever had vegetable soup for me to supplement my wrap with. FINALLY

we all compromised on a local deli. Agnus and Stacy were getting the

special named- I shit you not- "Lady Gouda- Iva Surprise", which

contained beer battered cod, smoked gouda, and tartar sauce on a hard

roll. I can't wait to hear all about this once teeth and tongue hit

bread.

12:16p Patiently awaiting lunch's arrival. There has been surprisingly

minimal munching this morning.

12:32p Lunch has arrived.

12:36p With hands full, "It looks good...." not ten seconds later,

with mouth full, "and it tastes good."

12:37p I turned around and asked Stacey, "Is that Gouda?". We all had

a chuckle and mentioned how that was funny, yet supremely corny.

12:39p "This roll is just so friggin good it's not funny. It makes the

whole sandwich, ya know?" Actually, it is funny.

12:42p "That was horrible. Don't ever make me eat it again." We won't.

But I guarantee that you will.

12:42p-2:26p Very dull period, unfortunately. I have tried provoking

things by asking for candy and snacks, but I got nothing.

2:28p REFUSES to join Stacy and I in our 2pm coffee ritual. I am

floored. Wouldn't even accept a cappuccino. Systems are breaking

down!!!!!!

3:06p Well, the day, week, is swiftly coming to a close and there are

no signs of munching from across the way. That being said I am closing

today's issue early. Have a nice weekend, my friends, can't wait to be

back on Monday. Love always.

Daily Mealer 3/21/12

Editor’s Note: Before we begin, I would like to state that there was such an

overload of food related chatter today that I couldn't possibly have recorded
it all; the reading would have proved too lengthy for any fraction of
enjoyment. For this purpose, I have narrowed it down to mainly items
ingested and only the most comical of food comments.

7:42a Morning cappuccino.

9:04a Begins chipping away at today's project, a sandwich baggie,
which is bursting at the seams, of what appears to be a home made
trail mix containing pretzel nuggets, m&ms, and probably whole
hershey's bars.

9:17a 2 cups of Cheerios, again, huge gaping mouthfuls.

9:57a I venture over to Agnus' lair, upon entering I notice sprawled
out on the desk a cornucopia of delectable goodies, from all corners
of the food pyramid. Included here was a box of Cheerios, a "fit and
active" yogurt, banana, kiwi, bag of said "trail mix", 2 slices of
bread, and a single serve applesauce.

10:10a Proudly holding up a minute part of a much larger feast Agnus
exclaims, "Have you ever seen a Kiwi this big?!" I reply, sincerely,
"No, no I have not." I truly have not, this thing appeared to be
juicing harder than your average body builder. I added to my previous
comment, "I'm surprised it's hair isn't longer, I mean, relative to
it's size, you know?", receiving a sarcastic chuckle in return. I then
proceeded to rip my hair out as I sat through the Kiwi's life story,
from its rescue at Sam's Club, right through to it's departure from
fellow Kiwi brothers and sisters when the economy sized box of
basketball sized Kiwi's was doled out between her and her daughter,
her getting 4, daughter receiving 7, I repeat 7, large sized Kiwis. So
glad I'll finally be able to sleep at night.

10:43a Whilst staring, longingly, at the daily specials, "Did you
bring lunch, Stacy?" "I did, Agnus. you?" Agnus- "I have my PB&J.
Harris made ribs and mac and cheese for Sunday dinner but I didn't
feel like going down stairs to get anything." Stacy-"I have enough
turkey for two sandwiches, if you want some." Agnus- "Nah, I'll be
okay. I have my sammie, a yogurt, a banana, a kiwi, I'll be good." I
would hope, I mean, we're only here for 8 hours. Sitting at a desk,
mind you. Not exactly an activity which requires extreme
nourishment.....or does it??

11:11a Chewing mystery food, probably a pretzel. Poor little guy.

11:15a Coworker X poses the questions, "Do you guys remember those
little barrel juices, with the silver top? I don't even think they had
flavors, just colors." Agnus- "Yes! Ghetto Juice! No, no, I'm sorry!
Harris calls them basshead juices! That's it, basshead juices! Ghetto
juice is Kool-Aid they add sugar too." REALLY!?? By god. And who the
hell is adding sugar to Kool-Aid!??!?!?!? This is outrageous.

11:19a Still chewing.

11:30a THIS JUST IN! (Still chewing) Mystery food has been revealed!
Either that or it's an addition, regardless it's exciting stuff!!
Ladies and Gentleman, we have Chex Mix!!!!!!! I first noticed this
when she emerged from the lair, rye flavor bagel/bread chip in
hand/mouth. Attractive.

11:42a Still chewing. What? Not sure. Chewing nonetheless.

11:58a Showed off her prized Kiwi to someone else. Who, much like me,
could give a shit.

12:01p Looking through a magazine (work related, much like what I'm
doing now...) "Stacy, did you know there's recipes in here?!"

1:16p It's peanut butter jelly time, peanut butter jelly time, peanut
butter jelly time, I NEED A BASEBALL BAT!

1:43p Not exactly sure when it happened, but I spied a single serving
pretzel rod package in Agnus' garbage.

2:21p I walked in on "I bought sandwich meat, I bought peanut butter
and jelly......" then I walked out.

2:42p [the familiar rustling of a feeble foldable sandwich baggie] I
look over to see we are nearing completion of "today's project" from
earlier this morning. I'm so proud.

This concludes an overly productive day here. Hope you all enjoyed.
Can't wait to see what fruits the morrow may bear.

--

Daily Mealer 3/20/12

Daily Mealer 3/20/12

Editor’s Note: After a brief hiatus due to a sudden bout of maturity and remorse I am pleased to say that continuing encouragement in the form of sneers, dirty looks, and rude comments have propelled the beloved Daily Mealer back into production. This form of passive aggressive, silent revenge not only rinses the resentment from my being, but also offers a few chuckles to those whom I love, and would never cause me such grief. That being said, I raise my virtual glass to all of you, here's to whole sleeves of crackers, forgotten tubs of hummus, and the daily morning snacks which keep us entertained and thankful for our chosen paths in life. May we never stoop to that level. Happy reading. For those of you who are new: The Daily Mealer was started when a coworker of mine proved relentless in their disrespect and aggravation towards me for no apparent reason. To retaliate and make myself more lighthearted about the situation I decided to record every morsel mentioned or eaten during an average day at work, as said person has an outrageous diet and eating habits. Some days are more comical than others, some more pathetic. I'll let you be the judge of that. Either way, happy eating. I mean reading. Names have been changed. Except mine. I am narrator, quotes, unless otherwise specified, indicate Agnus, the main character of our chronicles.

9:12a Stopped at copy machine to read today's specials menu. I could hear her thinking "is it lunch time yet?" 9:17a Two bowls of Cheerios- large bowls. Big gaping mouthfuls. Ick.

10:48a "Oh my god is it lunch time yet? I'm starving"

11:21a Whisper yells "OH MY GOD IS IT LUNCH TIME?! IM STARVING!!" Stacy replies, "Almost, 1/2 an hour." Agnus: "I'm not waiting a 1/2 an hour. I'm starving. Peanut butter and jelly it is, I was too lazy to go downstairs to get anything." There is a certain amount of irony in the fact that her fridge is located in her basement and she claims she is always too lazy to venture down there to get food. Something doesn't quite add up here.

11:24a Walks over to kitchen to toast bread for her PB&J, "Oh I'm having a cupcake!" Helps herself to a cupcake while she waits for her bread to toast. "Stacy and Marie's cupcakes always come out so moist. Mine are always stiff when I cook them. I'm not into baking, just cooking." And eating.

12:12p "Something smells really good". It's my wrap I toasted to eat with my salad. Paws off.

12:24p "I'm going to eat my ooorrrraaaaannnggeeee" (in a despicable, offensive attempt at a french accent). Thanks for keeping us posted, I'll be sure to log in that entry immediately.

1:42p "It's two o'clock cupcake time!" who knew, 1:42 was the new 2. And cupcakes are the latest celebrity diet.

2:13p After hearing the usual rustling of cheap plastic wrapping which encases most processed, salty snacks favored by our less than friendly eater, I looked over to see a small package of pretzel rods being devoured, one by one, filled with fear as they were shoved towards the foul abyss which would forever transform their existence. Wishing you peace and solace on your journey, pretzels. You had a good run, now may you become one. --