Daily Mealer 4/18/12

Daily Mealer 4/18/12

Editor's Note: I would like to thank Stew Leonard, for making today's Daily Mealer extra specical and spectacular.

7:41a Walks in, laughing like a wild hyena. I am frightened. I am in the kitchen washing dishes, spying on her as she gets settled. She starts ranting (usually there is a morning rant) to Stew about "News channel 8, and I'm gonna kill 'em! First this guy comes on for traffic, says there's an accident on 91S. We're not gonna show the cars because there's a fatality." CONSTANTLY this woman is bringing up death in the mornings. Any news story about it, looks up obits daily and prints them off for people if she thinks they might know them, just plain weird behavior. And I can't stand to hear it in the mornings. Anywho, she continues on, "So then, this, this, Theresa Labarber chick comes on and tells us the crash is on the southbound side. HER BOOBS were up to her throat! I mean, c'mon!!!! What is with the girls these days?! You used to have to say, Hey! I'm up here! when you were talking to a guy, not anymore because with all these push-up bras everything is up here!!!!" On and on until I was dizzy. I'm contemplating wearing my most supportive of push-up bras tomorrow under my shirt she has dubbed "lingerie" just to really burn her biscuits.

7:54a Morning cappuccino, while passing my desk she says, "You're quiet today missy, usually you're the loud mouth!!! Today I'm the jabberjaw!" I coulda killed her. I'm not loud, it's that people chose to engage me in conversation.

9:00a Reading specials, "What is with this chicken cutlet here?? They had the chicken cutlet ceaser yesterday and today they have the chicken cutlet topped sicillian. I mean, wha-what's going on??" I say, "I don't know, maybe they ordered too much of it???" She continues reading, "[Insert massive gasp here] Strip steak served with Gorgonzola mashed potatoes!??!?!?!? Ohhhhh my goshhhh!!!!!! [Insert additional, even larger gasp here] That's what I can do with that Gorgonzola!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! That's definitely what I'm going to do with that Gorgonzola. Yeaaauuup. Gorgie mashed." 

9:28a Walks over to my desk with what I thought was just a file, but ends up slamming down, in addition to the file, an entire package of salted ham and muenster cheese, and her coffee cup. I say, before she has a chance to begin discussing whatever she may have come over to talk about, "What, are ya makin' lunch now?!" "Nah, I forgot to put my stuff in the fridge this morning. So I'm doing that now." Huh. Carry on. We kibitz about work related issues, she meanders into the kitchen to store her food. Also prepares something in her mug.....I am unsure if it is oatmeal or cereal, I don't hear much crunching so I am leaning towards oatmeal. Either way, she is thoroughly enjoying it now, and I am determined to get to the bottom of what exactly it contains, just as she is equally determined to get to the bottom of whatever it contains.

10:42a I walk over to fill my water bottle in the kitchen. It was then I discovered the key piece of evidence in our cereal mystery: hot or cold? It is a sight that will forever be tattooed on my mind; the package left carelessly torn, broken and abused, seated lightly on the top of the trash can, like a filthy hooker in a gutter, she who has had her last good time. For a moment they were loved, the hooker and the dismembered package, loved and cherished, then abused and left behind, their demise the result of addiction and lack of self control, to never be remembered. May you rest in peace, brand-less Aldi's weight management oatmeal. It was not your fault. I will never forget you, that's a promise. 

10:48a Walking by my desk she asks, "Did you bring lunch?" I reply, "Yes, a salad." Nods with approval. I add, "Did you?" knowing damn well the answer already. "Yes, I did. Boring turkey. But I can't wait to eat it!!" I thought it was ham. You know you're eating top quality meats when they can stand in for each other.

11:03a "I'm ready to eat my turkey sandwich. I already had oatmeal. I'm tellin' ya, I gotta stop eatin' the oatmeals cause it just makes me more hungrier." By God.

11:17a I walk to the playpen as I noticed the mandibles moving whilst at my desk, I suspect it's mastication. Upon closer inspection I determined it is a small bag of swedish fish. Yes, I repeat, a small bag. I give credit where it's due. She is taking out about 4 or 5 at a time, placing them on her mouse pad, and picking from there. She is really savoring each piece, actually thinking about the animated, red pesciolino, thanking them for their gumminess and sucrose laden offerings, picking them thoughtfully from her teeth with her tongue, instead of trawling them in, like the commercial food fisherman in her normally does.

12:15p "Oh my god it's 12:15!!!!" In tiny, squeeky voice.

12:16p Basically runs to the kitchen, toast in hand, rips open the fragile glass door to toaster oven in an impatient fury. I immediately hear the ticking of the overworked toaster timer, it's like a little mechanic heart beat, palpitating and sweating, trying to produce food as quickly as possible before being punished. This is followed by the suction of the fridge door vacuum being broken, after this the familiar crinkling of plastic. Then shuffle shuffle shuffle, past my desk, fast enough to make my hair wave in the breeze she conjured, now sitting at her desk, biting her nail. And we wait.

12:20p DING! A sigh of relief let out by the toaster, shuffle shuffle back to the kitchen, states, "Boy, I wish this was fries I was eating." We giggle. And now we eat. 

12:34p Agnus comes over to my desk while I am eating lunch to inspect my salad. This curiosity was sparked during a conversation she initiated about how it is summer time now and us girls in the office like to have our salads. (False.) She wants to start a pool to buy ingredients, between the three of us, Stacey, Agnus, and me, so that when lunch comes around we can just make our salads here, having whatever we could want in the fridge. I already know Stacey wants out. And I am not even remotely interested in this terrible idea. I chime in stating I have to make not only lunch in the AM but dinner for school as well, so that fantastic idea unfortunately would not work for me, phew! Stacey remains silent the entire time. Agnus, whilst at my desk, tries to encourage Stacey to come view my salad, as it looks so good. (It is damn delicious because I am a salad master.) Stacey declines, claiming having already seen it. (False.) Agnus goes on and on and on forever about how she doesn't think to buy ingredients like that and yada yada yada, Harris has been doing all the shopping, she only goes to Aldi's blah blah blah whatever. Then she asks me what the stringy things in my salad are, I reply, "Dill and alfalfa sprouts." Then I receive the email below, and put my best effort forth to not crack up hysterically, which I failed at. From Stew:

"Why dont you want to do meal plan with your buddy, I can smell the smoke from your gears turning about the whole "lets all put in money so we could all do salads together". I am cracking up thinking about what your mind is thinking right now and I would love to see the addition to the blog. OH MY GOD YOUR STUFF LOOKS SO GOOD MARIE, MY STORE DOESNT HAVE NICE STUFF LIKE THAT. MABEY IF YOU LEAVE THE GHETTO AND SHOP AT A NORMAL PLACE YOU COULD GET GOOD SHIT.      SO FUCKIN FUNNY, BY THE WAY WHAT ARE THE STRING THINGS????????????????????????"

12:50p Starts telling Stacey and me about a vacation she went on with Harris in Lake George, immediately the conversation is centered on the culinary concoctions and collaborations of that weekend. "You shoulda seen us. We brought a grill, had food on ice, I said to Harris, whatever we bring we have to eat! People were stopping by us thinking, who are they cooking for!? It's only the two of them! You shoulda seen what we cooked up." 

2:09p "Alright ladies, what can I make tonight for dinner?" I say Gorgonzola mashed, at the same exact time Stacey says, "Steak on the grill", ironic, that was the first special we read this morning. Agnus proceeds to tell us about how they had hot dogs the other night, they were thin and long no bueno so they won't be having those again. All of her food at her house is frozen, she was thinking pork chops but just doesn't know. Then Stacey tells her how to make a lemon butter sauce....which consists of....wait for it, wait for it.....butter and lemon juice. Very complicated process, try to follow me here. Now add Peter to the conversation, who blows both women away by telling them that to his lemon butter sauce he adds white wine. This is unbelievable folks! What is this culinary creation we are speaking of!? This office is stocked with such ingenuity and inventiveness, I can't even stomach it! Lemon white wine butter sauce?!???!?!??! I have NEVER heard of such a thing. Sounds divine.....I cannot believe it took this long for someone to formulate this. And wine. Wow. I am equally as floored as Agnus and Stacey were to learn of this most inconspicuous addition. 

3:33p "Alright everyone, I'm shakin' like bacon. See ya tomorra." That you are.