Daily Mealer 3/27/12

Daily Mealer 3/27/12

 

7:47a Enter antagonist Agnus. 17 minutes late. The past few weeks in my professional realm have worn me down mentally, there has been a lingering, omnipresent sense of upset and ill will, all born from the focus of our readings. I strive to maintain my level of character; having set high standards for myself I prefer not to stoop below personal expectations. (Although, based on these articles I am a complete hypocrite.) Today, whilst powering through my morning routine, I dressed myself not only with threads and fabrics, but in addition I adorned myself with a fresh perspective and new tactics, determined to beat this, thing, this, force, this, woman, the most Deborah-y of downers, the most negative of Nancys; logic advising me a new approach is in order, as all of my past efforts have far exceeded fruitless. I hypothesized that if, and only if, I am able to exert extreme kindness and compassion in the face of extreme malice and disrespect, than I may be able to conquer the beast. It was only a measly 17 minutes into my day when I was first able to test my theories, at precisely 7:47a. I heard the time clock, followed by the familiar Nike shuffle, a terrifyingly slow and threatening cadence, advancing down the hall, moments until she rounded the corner adjacent my desk. I looked up, softly, big brown eyes begging for justice, yet exhibiting the utmost confidence. I greeted Agnus. "Good Morning!", only to receive a, "morning." in return. The smallest, tiniest, most invisible of "morning."s I have ever received. It was then I knew, it would be one hell of a day. (3:13p looking back at this early morning entry I must pat myself on the back and say, damn I'm good. I knew she would make this day a living hell. She's so predictable. 17 more minutes until she leaves, then the music goes back on!!! Wooo Hoo!!! Read on to understand.)

7:52a Agnus' better half, Clarence, is a beef jerky master. A couple weeks ago she brought some in for everyone, and a few diehard fans formed a pool, put money together to purchase another couple roasts, so they could rip into another batch. Today Agnus came bearing an entire shopping bag full of homemade jerky. This was one of the best things to happen to the office all year. Everyone has been put in a good mood because of it. Thank you Agnus. Well, thank you, Clarence. 

8:17a Munching on personal jerky stash.

8:42a More jerky.

9:17a More jerky.........................................................................................................

9:47a Two bowls of Fruit Loops. 

9:57a More jerky. This is unbelievable.

10:04a Two of the crew members stayed behind today, to slave away cleaning the warehouse as indentured servants. They are kept back there in silence and blistering cold on this surprisingly frigid spring day. Out of compassion and sympathy I prepared the pair two cups of scalding hot cocoa, and rigged up the intercom of my desk phone to transmit the music inside out to the warehouse. The volume was cranked a bit above normal for this, but nothing intolerable, by any means. Agnus, after snidely remarking on the decibel level, got up from her perfectly form fitting chair and shut the door- making it known to everyone that this was majorly inconveniencing her life. It was shortly after this that upper management requested I turn down the music, and the poor warehouse workers were forced to persist quietly until days end. It only takes one bad apple to ruin the whole damn day for the bunch.

11:37 PB&J time. Toasted, with a side of jerky. 

1:28p I am surprised at how slow this week has been thus far, the usual plethora of goodies to grace my perception in a given day has seemingly dwindled to fewer choices and a more sporadic pattern of indulgence. It is making these chronicles harder to produce......perhaps she's keen to my observations. 

1:47p Shut the door again, due to an apparent mild case of melophobia. How old are we again?? I forgot, people under the mental age of -5 can't handle the careful organization of notes and timing. See, what happens is when someone of that capacity is exposed to any musical composition which is not that of complete discord, it actually propels them into neural progression, instead of the steady regression that is typical of such a phobic. 

1:57p After Reginald (upper management) entered the playpen to see why the door was shut and was informed by Agnus that the music was preventing her from making phone calls (cough cough...bullshit...cough cough....) It was requested that we turn it off. Stacy and I are FUMING. Now you have ruined our afternoon, and the entire day for the warehouse workers, because of your selfishness and misery, a burden you couldn't bear to bear alone. Must bring everyone down with you. Despicable. 

2:19p Reginald, in a surprisingly good mood towards Agnus the antagonist, eagerly distributes Monster energy drinks to everyone in the office who wants one, explaining he just purchased an entire case. I readily accepted because I am about to go on a baby punching spree, and caffeine always manages to make me feel on top of the world. Agnus, on the other hand, declined. I find it notable when she declines something ingestible, be it liquid, solid, gaseous, whatever. She declined, reason being the diet pills she is on do not interact well with caffeine, as they already make her scalp tingly. I say, DRINK UP AGNUS! Everyone here pretty much despises you right now! Let's see what happens! a;lkdsj ai[oewut[aorkjgt;akldj [adrk;lrjEWOTKJLA;DKJ FA;SKLDJF <--- that's how I can best articulate my feelings at this moment. 

3:01p Seriously though, what person does this!??!!??!? Who can't stand music!? And I know it's not that. She just centers her life around making others equally as miserable as she is. Hence, The Food Chronicles. I apologize for lack of food comedy today, I am simply outraged by her immaturity and lack of compassion. 

3:14p 16 more minutes until, ding, dong the witch is gone. (just a song that comes to mind when I think about her leaving and the music resuming.)

3:15p 15 more minutes. It's been a whole lot easier since the bitch left town, been a whole lot happier without her face around. (another song for her departure.) 

3:28p I swear that what I am about to tell you all really, really happened. Right before she left, she blew up the bathroom. My desk is pretty much inside the bathroom, it is right next to it. She f*cking bombed the bathroom! You had two minutes left until you were on your merry way home!!!! DA FAAACK!!!!!! I need a drink.