Daily Mealer 4/18/12

Daily Mealer 4/18/12

Editor's Note: I would like to thank Stew Leonard, for making today's Daily Mealer extra specical and spectacular.

7:41a Walks in, laughing like a wild hyena. I am frightened. I am in the kitchen washing dishes, spying on her as she gets settled. She starts ranting (usually there is a morning rant) to Stew about "News channel 8, and I'm gonna kill 'em! First this guy comes on for traffic, says there's an accident on 91S. We're not gonna show the cars because there's a fatality." CONSTANTLY this woman is bringing up death in the mornings. Any news story about it, looks up obits daily and prints them off for people if she thinks they might know them, just plain weird behavior. And I can't stand to hear it in the mornings. Anywho, she continues on, "So then, this, this, Theresa Labarber chick comes on and tells us the crash is on the southbound side. HER BOOBS were up to her throat! I mean, c'mon!!!! What is with the girls these days?! You used to have to say, Hey! I'm up here! when you were talking to a guy, not anymore because with all these push-up bras everything is up here!!!!" On and on until I was dizzy. I'm contemplating wearing my most supportive of push-up bras tomorrow under my shirt she has dubbed "lingerie" just to really burn her biscuits.

7:54a Morning cappuccino, while passing my desk she says, "You're quiet today missy, usually you're the loud mouth!!! Today I'm the jabberjaw!" I coulda killed her. I'm not loud, it's that people chose to engage me in conversation.

9:00a Reading specials, "What is with this chicken cutlet here?? They had the chicken cutlet ceaser yesterday and today they have the chicken cutlet topped sicillian. I mean, wha-what's going on??" I say, "I don't know, maybe they ordered too much of it???" She continues reading, "[Insert massive gasp here] Strip steak served with Gorgonzola mashed potatoes!??!?!?!? Ohhhhh my goshhhh!!!!!! [Insert additional, even larger gasp here] That's what I can do with that Gorgonzola!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! That's definitely what I'm going to do with that Gorgonzola. Yeaaauuup. Gorgie mashed." 

9:28a Walks over to my desk with what I thought was just a file, but ends up slamming down, in addition to the file, an entire package of salted ham and muenster cheese, and her coffee cup. I say, before she has a chance to begin discussing whatever she may have come over to talk about, "What, are ya makin' lunch now?!" "Nah, I forgot to put my stuff in the fridge this morning. So I'm doing that now." Huh. Carry on. We kibitz about work related issues, she meanders into the kitchen to store her food. Also prepares something in her mug.....I am unsure if it is oatmeal or cereal, I don't hear much crunching so I am leaning towards oatmeal. Either way, she is thoroughly enjoying it now, and I am determined to get to the bottom of what exactly it contains, just as she is equally determined to get to the bottom of whatever it contains.

10:42a I walk over to fill my water bottle in the kitchen. It was then I discovered the key piece of evidence in our cereal mystery: hot or cold? It is a sight that will forever be tattooed on my mind; the package left carelessly torn, broken and abused, seated lightly on the top of the trash can, like a filthy hooker in a gutter, she who has had her last good time. For a moment they were loved, the hooker and the dismembered package, loved and cherished, then abused and left behind, their demise the result of addiction and lack of self control, to never be remembered. May you rest in peace, brand-less Aldi's weight management oatmeal. It was not your fault. I will never forget you, that's a promise. 

10:48a Walking by my desk she asks, "Did you bring lunch?" I reply, "Yes, a salad." Nods with approval. I add, "Did you?" knowing damn well the answer already. "Yes, I did. Boring turkey. But I can't wait to eat it!!" I thought it was ham. You know you're eating top quality meats when they can stand in for each other.

11:03a "I'm ready to eat my turkey sandwich. I already had oatmeal. I'm tellin' ya, I gotta stop eatin' the oatmeals cause it just makes me more hungrier." By God.

11:17a I walk to the playpen as I noticed the mandibles moving whilst at my desk, I suspect it's mastication. Upon closer inspection I determined it is a small bag of swedish fish. Yes, I repeat, a small bag. I give credit where it's due. She is taking out about 4 or 5 at a time, placing them on her mouse pad, and picking from there. She is really savoring each piece, actually thinking about the animated, red pesciolino, thanking them for their gumminess and sucrose laden offerings, picking them thoughtfully from her teeth with her tongue, instead of trawling them in, like the commercial food fisherman in her normally does.

12:15p "Oh my god it's 12:15!!!!" In tiny, squeeky voice.

12:16p Basically runs to the kitchen, toast in hand, rips open the fragile glass door to toaster oven in an impatient fury. I immediately hear the ticking of the overworked toaster timer, it's like a little mechanic heart beat, palpitating and sweating, trying to produce food as quickly as possible before being punished. This is followed by the suction of the fridge door vacuum being broken, after this the familiar crinkling of plastic. Then shuffle shuffle shuffle, past my desk, fast enough to make my hair wave in the breeze she conjured, now sitting at her desk, biting her nail. And we wait.

12:20p DING! A sigh of relief let out by the toaster, shuffle shuffle back to the kitchen, states, "Boy, I wish this was fries I was eating." We giggle. And now we eat. 

12:34p Agnus comes over to my desk while I am eating lunch to inspect my salad. This curiosity was sparked during a conversation she initiated about how it is summer time now and us girls in the office like to have our salads. (False.) She wants to start a pool to buy ingredients, between the three of us, Stacey, Agnus, and me, so that when lunch comes around we can just make our salads here, having whatever we could want in the fridge. I already know Stacey wants out. And I am not even remotely interested in this terrible idea. I chime in stating I have to make not only lunch in the AM but dinner for school as well, so that fantastic idea unfortunately would not work for me, phew! Stacey remains silent the entire time. Agnus, whilst at my desk, tries to encourage Stacey to come view my salad, as it looks so good. (It is damn delicious because I am a salad master.) Stacey declines, claiming having already seen it. (False.) Agnus goes on and on and on forever about how she doesn't think to buy ingredients like that and yada yada yada, Harris has been doing all the shopping, she only goes to Aldi's blah blah blah whatever. Then she asks me what the stringy things in my salad are, I reply, "Dill and alfalfa sprouts." Then I receive the email below, and put my best effort forth to not crack up hysterically, which I failed at. From Stew:

"Why dont you want to do meal plan with your buddy, I can smell the smoke from your gears turning about the whole "lets all put in money so we could all do salads together". I am cracking up thinking about what your mind is thinking right now and I would love to see the addition to the blog. OH MY GOD YOUR STUFF LOOKS SO GOOD MARIE, MY STORE DOESNT HAVE NICE STUFF LIKE THAT. MABEY IF YOU LEAVE THE GHETTO AND SHOP AT A NORMAL PLACE YOU COULD GET GOOD SHIT.      SO FUCKIN FUNNY, BY THE WAY WHAT ARE THE STRING THINGS????????????????????????"

12:50p Starts telling Stacey and me about a vacation she went on with Harris in Lake George, immediately the conversation is centered on the culinary concoctions and collaborations of that weekend. "You shoulda seen us. We brought a grill, had food on ice, I said to Harris, whatever we bring we have to eat! People were stopping by us thinking, who are they cooking for!? It's only the two of them! You shoulda seen what we cooked up." 

2:09p "Alright ladies, what can I make tonight for dinner?" I say Gorgonzola mashed, at the same exact time Stacey says, "Steak on the grill", ironic, that was the first special we read this morning. Agnus proceeds to tell us about how they had hot dogs the other night, they were thin and long no bueno so they won't be having those again. All of her food at her house is frozen, she was thinking pork chops but just doesn't know. Then Stacey tells her how to make a lemon butter sauce....which consists of....wait for it, wait for it.....butter and lemon juice. Very complicated process, try to follow me here. Now add Peter to the conversation, who blows both women away by telling them that to his lemon butter sauce he adds white wine. This is unbelievable folks! What is this culinary creation we are speaking of!? This office is stocked with such ingenuity and inventiveness, I can't even stomach it! Lemon white wine butter sauce?!???!?!??! I have NEVER heard of such a thing. Sounds divine.....I cannot believe it took this long for someone to formulate this. And wine. Wow. I am equally as floored as Agnus and Stacey were to learn of this most inconspicuous addition. 

3:33p "Alright everyone, I'm shakin' like bacon. See ya tomorra." That you are.

Daily Mealer 4/17/12

Daily Mealer 4/17/12

Editor's Note: Enter Agnus. Happy......peculiar. I am doing what I can to maintain the moral, as positivity promotes picking in past experiences. Once it begins it is a self perpetuating force, a happy Agnus is a full Agnus, and a full Agnus is a happy Agnus, around and around forever. If I can maintain this baseline pleasantry today we may have a well endowed episode.

7:54a I inadvertently spark an office wide debate, which, much like the Occupy debate last week, got out of control very quickly, but this time it was regarding something much more comical. We fought and argued and stewed over whether or not italians call it "sauce", or "gravy". Agnus, having not been initially involved in this argument, and also the only person now involved who is not of Italian descent, took it to a whole 'nother level. She was yelling and ranting, insulting and defending, fuming over this meaningless, initially amusing tiff. Now, it has exploded and enjoyment has been stripped away, like pieces of string cheese, each strand once a shared laugh that is being devoured by her mere presence. We dissipate, leaving her upset and disheartened. What started as an innocent conversation between Stew and I ended up an infectious conflict, dividing the office, surprisingly, Agnus and I on one side, and everyone else on the other; us advocating "gravy", they promoting "sauce". Finally we dispersed, leaving only Agnus, still fighting and standing her ground, exclaiming to Stew, "I'm gonna get my father-in-law on the phone, then we'll see who wants to call it sauce!".

9:30a Walks to fridge, "I'm hungry so I'm eatin' cheeeeeese, cheeeeeeeesee! I say." Walks back to desk with what appears to be a package of Aldi's yellow american cheese. Yum. Dyed and sliced to perfection. 

9:34a "Oh my god this cheese is so friggin' delicious." I say, "What is it?" She replies, mouth full, "Muenster." I stand corrected. 

10:06a Still cheesin'.

10:15a Breezes by my desk to use the bathroom, whisper-yells, "Is it lunch time yet?!" I reply with a giggle, "Almost."

11:24a "Stew Leonard! What the hell are you eating over there? Smell's good. Makin' me hungry."

11:27a To Stacey- "You smell what he's eating? Progresso. Smells good, friggin' makin' me hungry."

11:28a "Stew you're gonna make me friggin' make me make my lunch now. I'm friggin' hungry. Bad enough I ate all my cheese already, for breakfast." Continues to gather various items for her midday feast, slices of bread, mustard, and eventually meat. This meat, probably ham, has really truly had a rough and dismal existance. After being bred and born to barely live solely for slaughter, housed in the most deplorable of conditions, inhumanely executed and ground up to be reformed into a geometric shape prime for the slicing, now rests in the fridge, worst part of it's journey still ahead. Death, once thought to be unfortunate, unfavorable, and unhappy, now looks preferable and sunny when compared to its final journey. 

11:47a Just finished yet another heated debate, however this one was of a serious matter. Now Agnus is fuming mad, red in the face, trembling with fury as she bites her lip. I can guarantee that the friendly, fanciful food excitement is over for the day, as she was verbally trampled, in a very professional manner, by one of the supervisors here and undoubtedly lost her argument. Poo on you, Agnus. That's what happens when you always try to stir up trouble. Sometimes you lose. This is the second time today there has been such an instance, the first I feel as though I was being targeted, she was desperately searching for holes in my work and wrongdoings, to no avail. Keep it up, killer. You're only hurting yourself. I knew off the bat this morning something would spoil this happiness. 

12:31p Still has not eaten or made any advancements towards la cucina. See how much a negative mood dampens the eating habits? She continues to sit there with a puss on her face and tail between legs. For once, mouth closed. Nothing coming in or out. And there was peace. 

12:37p FINALLY up to the kitchen, "Ohh I forgot I had pasta salad! I forgots I gots it!" Back to her desk to polish off the entire oversized tupperware of it. I am thoroughly surprised with the enthusiasm eminating from her, I am sure of a direct correlation between pasta salad and increased mood.

12:55p "I ate my pasta salad, now I'm not hungry for my ham sandwich. It's like, what am I gonna do with my toast?!" I'm sure you'll find your way. I'm not surprised after the vat of pasta salad you don't have room for your sammie.

1:12p "I have no desire for this toast I have made."

Daily Mealer 4/16/12

Daily Mealer 4/16/12

Editor's Note: It is with the deepest dismay I inform you that the periodical scheduled for release today, day 16 of April, 2555 BE, has been suspended, with the exception of this most platitudinous expository excerpt, due to total lack of material. I am shamed, having admittedly been "checkmated" in this spiteful game of Chronicles Chess through which Agnus and I have been secretly dueling for the better portion of a month now.

Naturally my demeanor presents high hopes for tomorrow, looking forward to much hunger and grazing, overeating and indulging. Please, join me in promoting the munchies by observing a moment of silence now, for our fallen Daily Mealer. Thank you, and as always, look forward to an exciting day tomorrow

Daily Mealer 4/13/12

Daily Mealer 4/13/12

Editor's Note: As the sole proprietor of The Food Chronicles it is my mission to deliver an enriching and entertaining periodical to my loyal readers. I have been strongly discontented this week, as what was once a task focused primarily on sorting through and editing an over abundance of entries to a more manageable amount, has since dwindled so much that my ears and eyes have actually gotten larger in an adaptive effort to scrounge for the slightest evidence of chewing, picking, swallowing or sipping. I assure you, my beloved followers, that one day, this drought will release it's relentless and merciless stranglehold and allow The Food Chronicles to flourish, as they once did.

7:28a I drive in and spy Agnus in the kitchen window. (Figures.) I suspect this is the morning cappuccino.

7:58a Enter Clark, tub of Gummy Bears in hand. It's on. "Oh my God." (To this statement Reginald responds, "Yes?") "You have to try one of all the flavors." Advising peers on  how to properly sample and enjoy bears of a gummy descent. 

8:24a Clark, walking around with the container of gummies, our Friday morning hors d'oeuvre, offers one to Stacey. She replies, "Oh no! Get that thing away from me. I only want one. Put that back with Agnus. I don't think I've ever had a blue one before!" Agnus, who, last I saw, was sinking firmly in her seat, has now magically appeared in our office at the first sound of munchies, like a magical food genie. She chimes in and says, "That's what I did, I tried one of each." And then, just like she appeared, she was gone. Back at her desk. Strange, if I do say.

9:10a "I'munaa eat sum oatmeal." In the less than fluent accent of a British witch.

9:12a Feasting her eyes on the daily specials, oatmeal in hand..."You know what kills me? Shrimp scampi over linguine is $8.50. A chicken cutlet wrap with romaine lettuce, ceaser dressing, cheese, and french fries, is $9. You would think that would be $7.50." Stacey- "Did you bring lunch?" Agnus- "Yea I just brought some ham and bread. I figured screw it, but I could always order. You know I went to BJ's last night and got a bunch of groceries, I bought two big bags of the mixed greens, Harris likes iceberg, but you're eating nothing, no nutritional value, it's like eatin' water! Now I just gotta figure something out to put on top of the greens. When I leave here and go home, idk what it is, I'm just not hungry. Last night I just had one slice of pizza. And it was only the left over toppings we had, it wasn't the normal garbage pie we make, it was just sparingly, you know? So that's why now I'm starving!" How COULD you be hungry after all you do here all day every day!? After this she proceeded to pick our brains (for the second week in a row now) about a huge block of soft Gorgonzola she has at home and has no idea what to do with. I have provided numerous stellar ideas for the application of said cheese, I really don't know what more I can do. I'm starting to think this cheese is fictitious, and we are entering a new realm of food delusions. I am also starting to think I should start a soft Gorgonzola cook book as I have so many fabulous ideas for it.

11:21a "I wanna make my lunch RIGHT NOW!"

11:31a "I don't think I can go on unless I make my lunch." I say, "So make your lunch!!!! C'mon, do it! Don't be a wuss Agnus!" She says, "But I was on a roll!" Then, whips something out of her snack knapsack, stating, "These are so much better than just the regular cups." I nosily inquire, "What is it?" as I lean out from my desk to get a better view. Stew chimes in from out of sight, just a small voice out there in yonder saying, "Don't you worry your pretty little head about it Rie Rie!" He says this in a sarcastic, playful manner as he is privy to The Chronicles and wise to my motives. Agnus joins in and says, "Yea! Don't worry about it!" BUT, having maneuvered myself appropriately, I was able to ignore their squabble and see for myself. I say, "Nice. A reese's egg. A-vedddy vedddy nicee!!!" (Borat accent.) 

12:08p Stew grabs a paper from his trash he threw out by accident and starts uncrumpling it. "What is that, Stew!? What are you eating!?" He replies, "Nothing, I threw something away I didn't mean to." She says, "I thought you were eating something, I was gonna jump you if it was something good." I'm surprised the fact that it was paper stopped her. I thought for sure that would qualify under the "good" category.

12:09p "Alright, it's on!" Walks to kitchen to toast her slices for her hammy sammie. I'm betting mustard, and prehistoric fridge packet mayo. Let's see if I'm right.

12:37p Realized I forgot to track the aforementioned sandwich and it's toppings. Apologies. I can assure you it had mustard and prehistoric fridge packet mayo on it.

12:49p Discussing eating gummy bears with Reginald, "But I've been doing so good with my diet." Enough said. 

1:47p Stacey graciously offers everyone some of her pecans she has left over from lunch, Agnus responds- "No- those friggin' whatchacallits, [gummy bears] i ate so many I'm sick over it. I have a headache." At least we know your headache isn't the result of low blood sugar! 

2:15p I bring, what I have dubbed a sauerkraut snack, to work sometimes. Weird, I know, but I happen to love sauerkraut and sometimes I just want a bite or two. Stacey and I were giggling about it, as everyone makes fun of me for my sauerkraut snacks. Agnus walks in, "Aldi's just had a special on the sauerkraut. It was the German stuff in the jar. They had the regular white kind, and then a red kind. Maybe with beets? I don't know. Looked good though." I have a couple things to say here. First of all, I love my job because not only do I have the pleasure of constructing these lovely Chronicles but I also do not have to concern myself with reading any of the local grocer's fliers, as I have a built in monitoring system. Secondly, I am completely unfamiliar with any such red sauerkraut, but my logic tell me, seeing as it is merely fermented cabbage, that perhaps the red kraut is fermented purple cabbage. I could be wrong, who knows. 

3:37p Our dear friend has exited for the weekend, and I, too, shall do the same shortly. I bid you adieu, until next week!

Daily Mealer 4/12/12

Daily Mealer 4/12/12

Editor's Note: Today has truly exemplified the cliche "Good Morning." We enter with smiles and giggles, casual conversation and comradery. I am wise to this. I am on to you, Agnus. Your simple mind and malicious motives are more obvious than the crumbs on your lower lip. Watching you.

7:43a Daily cappuccino.

8:02a Wandered over to the lair during a heated debate regarding the occupy movement centered in New Haven, which, for the record, spiraled wildly out of control. Regardless, I managed a sneak peak in the snack knapsack, noticed 4 pieces of bread (I assume it is of the wholegrain variety, originating from Aldi's), sleeve of graham crackers, and mustard. I am currently drawing up plans to spearhead another voyage to get a more panoramic view of today's pickings. 

8:53a Notably peculiar behavior- as Stacey was reading aloud the local hot spot's daily specials there was not so much as a peep from our dear friend. I am flooded with worry, is she sick? Agnus! Are you feeling okay!!??!?!

8:55a Scratch that. Everything appears to be normal for the most part, I spy with my little eye a package of graham crackers that has made its first appearance, and is being chipped away at with the utmost diligence and mindlessness. 

9:07a Walked over to lair while she was out for a moment to talk to Stacey. Saw small green tupperware with what appears to be paper towels contained within, unsure if they are housing something inside or perhaps it is a tissue box of sorts, also saw zip lock bag of m&m's, looks to be of a lesser stock than yesterday but I am almost positive it is the remnants. Although I suppose it is not unlikely for yesterday's stock to have been wholly depleted, unbeknownst to me, and then replenished prior to returning today. 

9:47a Crinkling plastic, crunching grahams, crumbs onto the desk they slam; swiped away unto the floor, we continue to feast some more. 

11:07a Stacey, "Whoo! Another hour!" Agnus- "Well, Stace, you don't have to wait an hour! It's gotta be noon somewhere!" IT'S NOT. Didn't we go over this yesterday? In the middle of the Atlantic ocean it is 12:03pm right now. But nowhere, I repeat nowhere, is it 12:00pm. Please, someone, correct me if I am wrong. 

11:09a Click click crinkle crinkle crunch crunch slam swipe repeat. 

11:12a Repeat.

11:18a Entirely unrelated, but Stew was on his way out to scope a job and asked Reginald which van he might be able to take, Reginald responds with, "What's out there? Vin's diesel?" Vin's diesel! ha! Never again will anyone get another real life application for the name Vin Diesel. Thought I'd share. Immediately after this happened I exclaimed in laughter, "Vin's diesel! Hahahahahha!!!" Reginald looked at me, perplexed initially, and then his expression broke as he grinned with understanding. No one else laughed. Hopefully you all will. I realize it takes a seasoned sense of humor for a joke such as this, a quality not harbored by the general population of immediate coworkers. 

11:28a Whilst discussing what we all have for lunch, apparently someone got excited and whipped out of her arsenal the bag of m&m's. Wasting no time she maneuvered a handful from within the bag, exerting extreme caution, up to her cranial region, tilted her palm at precisely the right angle to the outermost organ of her digestive system, the beginning and the end-all, where the magic happens, her mouth, loosening her phalanges just enough to allow the individual rainbow morsels to file in, one by one, as an ore crusher pours excavated minerals into a much larger pile. Then begins the chewing. I can hear the distressed cracking from the sweet exoskeletons of the poor candied innocence from all the way across the office, dulling to a whimper as they eventually melt in her mouth, and not in her hand. 

12:26p Lunch- turkey sandwich with mustard and mayo (prehistoric fridge packet mayo) on the Aldi's special 99 cent multigrain bread. 

12:57p Afternoon cappuccino.

1:44p Started a blog for my Daily Mealers :) I can be found at blogger.com, my name there is Going to Hell. Look for The Food Chronicles. Please, feast your eyes and tell your friends.

1:49p Some one who shall remain unnamed says, "I am so thirsty." I reply, "Why don't you have some water?" They reply, "Water does nothing for me." REALLY!? This had to be recorded. Finally they caved and said, "I guess I'll try it." Do you see what I'm up against here?!

3:57p I toasted a slice of garlic bread for my salad later tonight at school, "That toast smells so fickin' good, I'm gonna rob her! Let me tell you, I love my bread but Harris doesn't so I don't get it a lot or I'd eat all of it!" Wait. Didn't we cover this yesterday? Aldi's was having a sale on their multigrain bread so you bought two loaves? Interesting. Until tomorrow :)

Daily Mealer 4/11/12

Daily Mealer 4/11/12

Editor's Note: I'm sure some of you have noticed the lapse in coverage over the last week or so, as spite and compassion continue to wrestle in the arena of my mind. Overwhelming feelings of disgust and guilt within myself caused me to cease fire and close the chronicles for an undetermined period of time. However, following suit from previous provocations to reinstate my blog, the disrespect and ignorance has thrust my endeavors back into circulation. The daily events here are so infantile and elementary that to not record them is doing supreme injustice to those of you whom retain enjoyment from reading about said occurrences. In addition, it is just plain hilarious, and should be noted somewhere for future reflections. 

Please keep in mind, I have had a hell of a time with this, woman, if you can call her that, so far this week. Instigation, interrogation and insubordination are daily injustices I am forced to incur, to the point of almost walking out yesterday.
And we eat.

7:43a Enter Clark, large container of gummy worms in hand. Offers them to me, I politely decline as I am pretending vegan this week. I explain to him that gummy worms are made from horse hooves and bone marrow and as delicious as they may be I will not partake in their consumption. He rebuts my statement, (he might be right, partially, anyway) and continues to tell me that because they are composed of aforementioned substances they are beneficial for your teeth. I reassure him, that as the granddaughter or a dentist and daughter of a dental hygienist, gummy worms are in no way beneficial for your teeth. He continues on into the playpen, worms in hand. Presents them to Agnus, who readily accepts the challenge. He stations the tub at the rear portion of her lair, on a filing cabinet behind her. No hesitation, dives right in. After enjoying a couple she turns back to her computer. click click on keyboard. Then a few moments later, leans up, swivels, dips her hands in for another gelatinous strand of dye and sugar. Turns back around. For the next couple hours it was click, click, lean swivel dip. click, click, lean, swivel, dip. click click lean swivel dip. dip. dip. dip. dip. And slowly the tiny community of worms dwindled, becoming less and less, the once abundantly populous tub now empty and sad, reminiscent of happier times.

8:14a As the majority of my morning has been spent in the playpen I managed to take inventory in between tasks. My findings were shocking. In addition to two slices of bread, a jar of mustard, can of Chef Boyardee, zip lock bag full of m&m's, I happened upon an entire bag of gummy treats. I am unable to discern what species these particular treats are, be it of the mammal or insect variety, but they are gummy nonetheless. I am interested to see if there is a cap on how many gummy treats one will consume in a day. Doubtful.

8:18a Click click lean swivel dip.

8:23a "Clark I am so not happy about you bringing these worms in here." Clark responds with, "I've got an entire container of gummy bears in the car, too." Oh goodie! Do you accept the challenge, Agnus?! C'mon! Show us what you're made of!

8:24a-9:42a Click click lean swivel dip, repeat, until the container is finally clean scraped and scrapped.

10:17a "Is it lunch time yet?! I'm starving. I didn't have that much for dinner last night, I think that's why I'm so hungry today." That still doesn't explain why you're so hungry now, at 10:17 in the AM, Eastern Standard Time on this, the 11th day of April, 2555 BE, after you single-handedly consumed an entire community or gummy worms. Why, Agnus, why are you still so hungry??

10:55a After I polished off a generous portion of a dried fruits assortment purely out of boredom I decided to google the nutritional value, as I do not want to end up like Agnus. While there are drastic differences between gummy worms and dried fruit, grazing is grazing. I was terrified when I saw the nutritional value of what I had just consumed, or lack thereof. Terrified. Craisins, you dirty devil. 

11:11a After having the daily specials read aloud, "I'll take one of everything!"

11:27a "Is it lunch time yet!? It's 12 o'clock somewhere!" I reply with, "Actually, it's not." Booooo yaaaah! Take that!

11:52a "I'm making my lunch." Storms the kitchen with slices in hand, begins toasting process. Now, if I know Agnus at all she'll stand in the doorway of the kitchen and bother Stacey and me with mindless chatter to speed the toasting process. Oh! wait! not today! Walks out of kitchen, slice of turkey in hand, shoves it in her food hole while simultaneously stating, "I'm munching." I digress. 

11:58a Got up from her lair and ventured back to the fridge, I was unable to see what she got from it, however I suspect it was a packet of mayonnaise. Those things are from the prehistoric era. God speed. 

12:17a Discussing Aldi's mutigrain bread with Stacey, "Yea, that stuff's good. On sale this week for 99 cents! Usually $1.89, I grabbed two!"

12:39p "I got the itis now." Cute. 

1:37p Received email from Stew: "More food conversations GREAT you like to eat WHO CARES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" I recoil in angst and reply, "Shit bro, what did I miss?!" No response. I guess we'll never know.

2:00p Leaves for the day. Early. Peas and carrots. Until tomorrow, friends.

Daily Mealer 4/2/12

Daily Mealer 4/2/12

Editor's Note: We seem to be back on track this week, or at least off to a decent start. Lets all keep our non-greasy fingers crossed!!!

7:43a Enter Agnus, bringing with her hope on the horizon for an ever so eventful day, and hopefully week, of Food Chronicles. She bears with her today a most stunning array of munchies, ranging from a large box of wheat thins, a family sized tub of hummus, and a bottle of french vanilla flavored creamer. There is also a tupperware full of what appears to be some form of dairy, unknown at this point if it is milk or something a little more viscous, such as yogurt, could also be sugar. To be determined later.

7:54a Daily cappuccino.

10:37a "OMG I'm so hungry, I can't wait to eat!" I encourage her to have a snack. She begins to tell me about last night's meal. "Clarence was cooking fish last night, I said I wanted it fried so that's what he was doing. We ended up running out of flour half way through, and I remembered hearing something about being able to use instant mashed potatoes instead of flour. Let me tell you, I am never eating fish fried with flour ever friggin' again. That shit was so good." I asked her what kind of fish it was, she responds with, "Filet." Okay, so this still doesn't answer my question. "Clarence and me went to the grocery store once and went on a fish spree, we bought a little bit of everything and went home and cooked it, I was eating a little of this, a little of that, and it didn't sit so well. Since then I only eat white." You do realize there are different types of white fish, right? And that "filet" is not one of them.

10:59a Munching on Wheat Thins, and possibly hummus.

11:04a Talking to Reginald, "I was telling the girls, Clarence was frying fish, we ran out of flour, (insert long pause here) sorry, don't wanna talk with my mouth full, he started using instant mashed potatoes. That shit was delicious. So friggin' good."

11:07a Yup, hummus. Scooping ever so delicately around the middle of the large sized tub as to preserve the small area of, what I am assuming is, roasted red peppers, located directly in the middle, carving out an empty moat around a column of hummus. 

11:13a I am in the playpen filing some things away. "Alright, time to put the hummmaaassss (terrible accent of an unknown origin) back in the fridge. It's good, you know, hummus, but I can only eat so much of it at a time". Walks out to the fridge with tub of hummus. Repeats the same exact statement when she is passing Stacey's desk. "Hummus is good, but I can only eat so much of it at once". This is very ironic to me, as a couple weeks ago I was being ragged on by a coworker for my small tub of hummus in the fridge. I explained that I cannot eat an entire tub in one sitting, that is disgusting and it's way too much hummus. At this time, Agnus, who has been knows to polish off an entire smaller tub of hummus in one sitting, got extremely defensive, chiming in and saying, "Why's that disgusting?!" In an effort to not offend or hurt anyone, I quickly backed up my statement, adding how eating too much hummus makes me feel ill in the belly. This might be true, but I do not know as I have never over indulged on hummus to a point of sickness. 

11:19a I asked Agnus what she brought for lunch. "Fish", then she adds, "Damn! I forgot my paper plate to microwave it on. Eh, that's alright. I'll be inventive. I'll use the plastic bag I packaged it in to microwave on." I offered here a dinner plate I have here, she declined twice.

12:01p Got verification on the hummus, turns out it is Spinach and Artichoke variety.

1:34 "Did everyone eat lunch?" I respond, "Yes, we did. I was wondering where you were with that".

1:36p To the kitchen to maker her "filet". Jordan walks in kitchen, she begins telling Jordan, for a third time today, all about the instant mashed potato breading instead of flour. Jordan asks, "What kind of fish is that?" She responds, "Either flounder, or filet." Agnus, I'm unsure if this was the truth or she was just embarrassed to be caught with such an abundance of fish, exclaims, "Holy shit! I can't believe how much fish I took! I didn't know I took all this. Clarence is gonna be pissed. I can't believe how much fish I took. I'm gonna have to bring some back home to him. You know what, on second thought, fuck 'em!" I had to see how much fish there was. I just had to. So I say, "Oh! I want to see this fish!" I walk over, and there are at least 4 huge fried filets. She proceeds to nuke said fish, on a plastic tupperware container lid, returns to her lair with fish and small tupperware full of tartar sauce in arms. Devours all.

1:42 "Oh my gosh. I didn't realize how full I was from all that hummus, I was so full I didn't even notice it was lunch time. I probably shouldn't have even eaten just now." 

2:04p Leaving early today. Literally on her way out the door, turns around at the last second and says, "I need to grab the fish to bring home to Clarence or he's gonna kill me!" Skip-runs back to fridge, grabs fish, and out the door. Until tomorrow!

Daily Mealer 3/30/12

Daily Mealer 3/30/12

Editor's Note: Today I arrived late to my current place of employment. Upon my eventual entrance I notice Agnus is missing, and the door to Reginald's office is closed. The anticipation mounts as I eagerly await her exit so I might assess today's mood. I am happily greeted by both of them several minutes later, to my surprise. Looking at a good day today.

8:47a "I'm so hungry!!" This is possibly one of the more exciting things I have heard in my 25 years incarnate on planet Earth. I eagerly, as a child grappling for the largest candy bar in the assortment their first time out for Hallows Eve, open my email account, slide the computer ever closer to me in a most inconspicuous manner, and begin typing, smiling all the while, and maliciously posing the question to Agnus, "Well that's good, so you're getting your appetite back?" Mwa ha ha... She replies, "Yes, the last couple days I just haven't felt like eating." I've noticed, and the drought brought forth much boredom born of my readers, please, do not let it happen again. I cannot continue to pick up the pieces after your hunger strike.

8:51a Walks to kitchen bearing a box of Raisin Bran and large sized mug. Fills mug with said cereal, grabs quart of milk from fridge and begins the treacherous 24' journey back to her lair. Amidst the expedition across expansive fields of berber she states, "Let's see how this works." I reply, innocently, "What?", she follows up with, "This Raisin Bran." Great! I can't wait.

9:23a Stacey goes to view daily specials, as you know, Friday is order out day, and Friday during Lent is order out fish day. "Seafood Salad....mmmm..." says Stacey. I say, "Are you ordering today?" "Yes, like, now, I'm starving!" I ask Agnus if she brought lunch, one of my favorite questions. "Yes." I am floored! It's Friday! I ask her what, she replies, "Cheeseburgers. One and a half cheeseburgers." Stacey chimes in, with a tinge of sheer terror in her voice, "On Friday?! You brought meat on Friday?" Agnus, now getting up from her desk and walking over to discuss this with us, begins explaining. "Well, I was going to bring ziti and sauce, but while I was walking downstairs with a bowl and spoon to get it from the basement, I figured fuck it, it's easier to just grab cheeseburgers." Now I am really confused. If both items are in the fridge in your basement, why is it easier to just grab cheeseburgers??  

10:07a Stew's wife and 2 year old daughter came to visit us, bringing with them a small box of candy to sell for their son's boyscout troop. I am instantaneously excited at first sight of the delectable assortment of chocolate and nougat, this is sure to spark office wide excitement. Stacey purchases a bag of pretzel m&m's, extends an offer to me, I accept two m&m's. She then walks over to Agnus' lair, Agnus is fully rapt in a telephone conversation (personal), so Stacey generously pours a small pile of the sweet and salty treats on Agnus' desk for her to discover once she returns to work. Minutes later I hear, "OH MY GOD! What are these!?!??!?!" I reply, "Pretzel." To see the pure ecstasy on her face was so pleasing to me.

10:16a "Candy bars are so friggin' good in the freezer." 

12:27p One and  half cheeseburgers, paired with two slices of wheat toast. 

2:17p "I could go for some nice friggin' ass desert, like cannolis." 

2:27p I am closing early in hopes of leaving early. Have a nice weekend everyone.

Daily Mealer 3/29/12

Daily Mealer 3/29/12

 

Editor's Note: Today's events have drastically changed my outlook on 2012 and the possibility of an Apocalypse. Changing weather patterns, shifting poles, and countless theories, old and new, have plagued my conscious hours, and even non waking hours, tossing different scenarios and possibilities, visions and ideas of how the end of the world would actually be perceived by my senses. Finally, after much consideration and research, I have become firm in my own personal conclusions on what 2012 will behold. Until today. Now, I do believe the world may in fact end on December 21, 2012, if not before. It is clear that patterns are changing, and nothing, I repeat, nothing, is as we have come to know it. Even if it appears similar, upon closer inspection under a watchful eye those changes become surprisingly obvious. I, my friends, am genuinely afraid. Afraid that, even if the world does not end, this might be the beginning of the demise of our beloved Food Chronicles.

7:42 Walks out of playpen, morning cappuccino in hand.

1:11p Gets up to toast bread for PB&J.

1:13p Explains to us how she in forcing herself to eat, and is simply not hungry, didn't even feel like having her morning bowl of cereal (or three). I have noticed.......and I am distraught. 

2:02p "You guys are having coffee, I'm having poporn." proceeds to finish an entire bag of popcorn, the bag which first made it's appearance in our chronicles last Friday, and then reappeared yesterday, now gone forever. 

3:47p I end today's episode with a prayer for an appetite tomorrow. May you all join me.

Daily Mealer 3/28/12

Daily Mealer 3/28/12

Editor's Note: I realize the articles this week are lacking, I am hoping we can get back on track with the overeating asap. If not, I may start to use Stew as the main focus of the Food Chronicles as he has been on a strict diet for the last two months and fell off a couple days ago. He has been on an increasingly fast downward spiral, binging on any and everything in sight, all week. But he is nice, and we like Stew, so it wouldn't be nearly as funny.

7:42a Enter Agnus. 12 minutes late. I spot a whole box of Raisin Bran in food purse. I don't say anything and wait for her to acknowledge me, I am still disgusted from the last minute bathroom-bombing session yesterday afternoon and the day long music debacle. She pretty much whispers "morning." I respond with a "Good Morning!!!" just to piss her off, because I know it will.

7:46a Morning cappuccino.

8:33a Clark enters, walk towards the playpen, headed directly for Agnus' lair. Slams down a package of microwave popcorn. "Oh! you brought the popcorn! Wait, that's not the same kind.......this says....fat free??" Clark replies, "Yea, it's different but still really good." "Oh..." Can I get a THANK YOU!? Or are we too overwhelmed at the absence of fat content to use our manners??

8:44pm "Spinach and garlic ravioli....that sounds delicious." In reference to today's specials. "But, I remember when I got it last time it wasn't that filling. They didn't give you a lot of raviolis" I hate when people say 'raviolis'. "I mean, its not like the raviolis were gigundamundo stuffed, which would have made up for the small serving. But they were small stuffed." 'Gigundamundo' and 'raviolis' in one sentence. Double whammy.

8:52a Shuffle shuffle over to the kitchen for a first helping of Raisin Bran. So glad I sit next to the bathroom and can witness first hand the effects of our fibery adventure we are embarking on!

8:56a "Say goodbye to Toucan Sam" as she mangles her old box of Fruit Loops and throws it in the trash. Mind you, she mumbles this while gargling and trying not to choke on/spit out her mouth full of Raisin Bran. 

10:14a Spoon jingling inside coffee mug....files blocking my view.......

10:34a Walks out of lair, coffee mug and spoon in hand, states, "It's a soup day." as she walks past my desk, into the bathroom to, hopefully, do number one, not two...and wash her mug/spoon, a morning tradition. 

10:52a Sandwich baggie chock full of Chex Mix makes first appearance.

10:58a Finally digs into above mentioned treat.

11:06a I discover the songs "Sweet Maree" and "The Window" by Steve Miller Band. Bliss. Please indulge at some point. (and I don't like it because it's Maree, that's just a bonus.)

12:04p Cupcake for an office birthday.

12:41p Emerges from the playpen gnawing on a piece of jerky. Curious.

1:39p Stealthily walks to fridge and grabs a yogurt. I peer over to see her vigorously scraping the frail aluminum lid which sheltered this creamy substance right up until its final hour. Don't miss a morsel!

1:42p I begin to wonder, what did Agnus have for lunch????

3:03p "I'm gonna go to the bathroom, and then nab a cupcake on my way back."

3:30p Agnus has left the building.

Daily Mealer 3/27/12

Daily Mealer 3/27/12

 

7:47a Enter antagonist Agnus. 17 minutes late. The past few weeks in my professional realm have worn me down mentally, there has been a lingering, omnipresent sense of upset and ill will, all born from the focus of our readings. I strive to maintain my level of character; having set high standards for myself I prefer not to stoop below personal expectations. (Although, based on these articles I am a complete hypocrite.) Today, whilst powering through my morning routine, I dressed myself not only with threads and fabrics, but in addition I adorned myself with a fresh perspective and new tactics, determined to beat this, thing, this, force, this, woman, the most Deborah-y of downers, the most negative of Nancys; logic advising me a new approach is in order, as all of my past efforts have far exceeded fruitless. I hypothesized that if, and only if, I am able to exert extreme kindness and compassion in the face of extreme malice and disrespect, than I may be able to conquer the beast. It was only a measly 17 minutes into my day when I was first able to test my theories, at precisely 7:47a. I heard the time clock, followed by the familiar Nike shuffle, a terrifyingly slow and threatening cadence, advancing down the hall, moments until she rounded the corner adjacent my desk. I looked up, softly, big brown eyes begging for justice, yet exhibiting the utmost confidence. I greeted Agnus. "Good Morning!", only to receive a, "morning." in return. The smallest, tiniest, most invisible of "morning."s I have ever received. It was then I knew, it would be one hell of a day. (3:13p looking back at this early morning entry I must pat myself on the back and say, damn I'm good. I knew she would make this day a living hell. She's so predictable. 17 more minutes until she leaves, then the music goes back on!!! Wooo Hoo!!! Read on to understand.)

7:52a Agnus' better half, Clarence, is a beef jerky master. A couple weeks ago she brought some in for everyone, and a few diehard fans formed a pool, put money together to purchase another couple roasts, so they could rip into another batch. Today Agnus came bearing an entire shopping bag full of homemade jerky. This was one of the best things to happen to the office all year. Everyone has been put in a good mood because of it. Thank you Agnus. Well, thank you, Clarence. 

8:17a Munching on personal jerky stash.

8:42a More jerky.

9:17a More jerky.........................................................................................................

9:47a Two bowls of Fruit Loops. 

9:57a More jerky. This is unbelievable.

10:04a Two of the crew members stayed behind today, to slave away cleaning the warehouse as indentured servants. They are kept back there in silence and blistering cold on this surprisingly frigid spring day. Out of compassion and sympathy I prepared the pair two cups of scalding hot cocoa, and rigged up the intercom of my desk phone to transmit the music inside out to the warehouse. The volume was cranked a bit above normal for this, but nothing intolerable, by any means. Agnus, after snidely remarking on the decibel level, got up from her perfectly form fitting chair and shut the door- making it known to everyone that this was majorly inconveniencing her life. It was shortly after this that upper management requested I turn down the music, and the poor warehouse workers were forced to persist quietly until days end. It only takes one bad apple to ruin the whole damn day for the bunch.

11:37 PB&J time. Toasted, with a side of jerky. 

1:28p I am surprised at how slow this week has been thus far, the usual plethora of goodies to grace my perception in a given day has seemingly dwindled to fewer choices and a more sporadic pattern of indulgence. It is making these chronicles harder to produce......perhaps she's keen to my observations. 

1:47p Shut the door again, due to an apparent mild case of melophobia. How old are we again?? I forgot, people under the mental age of -5 can't handle the careful organization of notes and timing. See, what happens is when someone of that capacity is exposed to any musical composition which is not that of complete discord, it actually propels them into neural progression, instead of the steady regression that is typical of such a phobic. 

1:57p After Reginald (upper management) entered the playpen to see why the door was shut and was informed by Agnus that the music was preventing her from making phone calls (cough cough...bullshit...cough cough....) It was requested that we turn it off. Stacy and I are FUMING. Now you have ruined our afternoon, and the entire day for the warehouse workers, because of your selfishness and misery, a burden you couldn't bear to bear alone. Must bring everyone down with you. Despicable. 

2:19p Reginald, in a surprisingly good mood towards Agnus the antagonist, eagerly distributes Monster energy drinks to everyone in the office who wants one, explaining he just purchased an entire case. I readily accepted because I am about to go on a baby punching spree, and caffeine always manages to make me feel on top of the world. Agnus, on the other hand, declined. I find it notable when she declines something ingestible, be it liquid, solid, gaseous, whatever. She declined, reason being the diet pills she is on do not interact well with caffeine, as they already make her scalp tingly. I say, DRINK UP AGNUS! Everyone here pretty much despises you right now! Let's see what happens! a;lkdsj ai[oewut[aorkjgt;akldj [adrk;lrjEWOTKJLA;DKJ FA;SKLDJF <--- that's how I can best articulate my feelings at this moment. 

3:01p Seriously though, what person does this!??!!??!? Who can't stand music!? And I know it's not that. She just centers her life around making others equally as miserable as she is. Hence, The Food Chronicles. I apologize for lack of food comedy today, I am simply outraged by her immaturity and lack of compassion. 

3:14p 16 more minutes until, ding, dong the witch is gone. (just a song that comes to mind when I think about her leaving and the music resuming.)

3:15p 15 more minutes. It's been a whole lot easier since the bitch left town, been a whole lot happier without her face around. (another song for her departure.) 

3:28p I swear that what I am about to tell you all really, really happened. Right before she left, she blew up the bathroom. My desk is pretty much inside the bathroom, it is right next to it. She f*cking bombed the bathroom! You had two minutes left until you were on your merry way home!!!! DA FAAACK!!!!!! I need a drink.

Daily Mealer 3/26/12

Daily Mealer 3/26/12

 

Editor's Note: Good Morning children. Today's number is, three.

7:36a Agnus enters the building, wielding a box of, yes, Limited Edition Fruit Loops, quart of milk in tow.
These are just the visible, out-of-food-purse-items. 

7:38a Ventures to kitchen for morning cappuccino. At this time, she delivers her three large sized slices of homemade pizza, which it is safe to assume are composed of copious amounts of meats and cheeses, minimal vegetables, to the refrigerator. It is now when she warns our friendly coworker Zeek, "I'm putting my lunch in the fridge, try not to eat it." (A couple weeks ago there was an incident, may it never be forgotten, one of Agnus' slices went missing. It took days to finger the perpetrator, it was a perilous and exhausting search however the fruitful efforts paid off, when, finally, Zeek confessed to helping himself to the mystery fridge pizza. To avoid such a catastrophe she now delivers friendly reminders, if the food is not yours, stay far, far away.)

7:48a In an effort to follow up from Friday's excitement, Agnus asks Clark, "Where's my popcorn?" Clark responds, "In the truck." End scene.

8:36a Told Stacy the story about how she had to warn Zeek this morning that she was putting 3 slices of pizza in fridge, all in an effort to ensure its safety through the four agonizing hours before noon when it may finally meet its match and be devoured, once and for all. 

8:40a Reviewed today's lunch specials for the local hot spot. There was a discussion which followed, unfortunately I missed it due to a phone call.

8:44a Journeyed to the kitchen for Fruit Loop time. Again, in an effort to follow up from Friday's discussion, she stops at my desk to show me the coveted Limited Edition Fruit Loop box. She shows me the front, the back, the inside, I got a full tour. She proceeds to explain to me how it's a game and there are cards you can collect, finally ending this torturous conversation with a bit of wisdom as she walks away to the kitchen, "More shit for people to keep in their homes." My thoughts exactly, Agnus.

8:46a Bowl of  Fruit Loops- round one.

8:50a Fruit Loops round two.

8:54a Fruit Loops round three.

8:55a "These Fruit Loops are too frickin' good."

8:57a "They make Multigrain Cheerios with peanut butter, saw the commercial last night. I was like holy shit!"

12:31p After another sparsely fed morning, it is finally the beloved lunch time. 3 slices of pizza........open wide! Let the games begin. Round one.

12:36p Round two.

12:41 Round three.

12:49p "Now all I need is a toothbrush and toothpaste, my breath is all garlicky. Ick." I do my best to ignore this comment, responding only with the tiniest of "ha's", in an effort to acknowledge but not indulge. She meanders over to the fridge, and I'm thinking WHAT NOW!?!??! Grabs a yogurt, of the "fit and active" variety, and says, "Think yogurt will help?" I say, "I guess we'll find out!" and then quickly turn to log in this most exciting entry.

2:09p I make my way into the playpen for business related, well, business, she turns to me and says, "My breath is still funky from all that garlic." I say, "So the yogurt didn't help??" "No, I mean, a little, but still too much garlic." I reply, "Well you better tell whoever made that pizza to lay off next time." We shared a giggle. I'm so funny. I continue to high-five myself as I return to my desk.

3:31p This concludes today's tastings. Reconvene tomorrow.

Daily Mealer 3/23/12

Daily Mealer 3/23/12

Editor's Note:

The Daily Mealer represents the true dichotomy of my persona. On one

hand, it adds hilarity and relief to an otherwise impossible day;

however, I find it leaves me feeling little and, in some respects, on

the same purely motivated and simple level as Agnus. My conscious has

somewhat deterred me from its continuance, completely eliminating it

from my routine yesterday. This proved unacceptable as my few, yet

avid readers were begging for its appearance in their inboxes. So, it

is with you in mind, my humble audience, which I swallow my guilt and

deny my benevolence, for your assumed laughter and appreciation is all

I need to repair the holes inflicted on my ego during the creation of

this article.That being said, this one's for you.

[We begin our day today with a fight in the playpen, which is my

nickname for Agnus and Stew's shared office. Many conflicts erupt

here, as the total mental capacity of said area reaches, on a good

day, a fifth grade level. This morning's quarrel pertained to proper

spelling of a name, and ended in Agnus yelling, literally yelling, at

Stew, exclaiming, "Shut up before I put your teeth down your

throat!!!" Please note- even in something completely non-food related,

there remains the underlying connotation of items sliding down one's

throat. Seems to be at the forefront of Agnus' thinking, almost

always.]

8:07a Above mentioned fight had just ceased, tensions were extremely

high, as you can imagine. Clark enters the playpen, having missed

everything that had just occurred. He says, innocently, to Agnus, "Hey

you want some popcorn?" My innermost being immediately begins to churn

with laughter. Agnus completely ignores the question, frozen with

residual anger. Rude. Meanwhile, I'm still dying inside. Clark walks

away.

8:16a Clark reenters the playpen. Poses the question again, this time

met with a response, "Yea, I'll buy some" she states, quietly, coyly,

as if doing him, and the world, a favor. Please, try to contain your

excitement. Seriously. I know this is the most exciting thing that's

happened to you yet today, and probably will remain that way.

8:36a Stacy walks over to view the Daily Specials, Friday is order out

day (usually Monday through Thursday are too, but they are "trying to

be good" so keeping it to a minimum, and only ordering Fridays, which

always has to be fish until Lent is over. I know, it's ridiculous.)

"Did you bring lunch Stacy?" "No, you?" "Well, I got my back up PB&J,

but I might order. There's crap on there today though, the only thing

that looks remotely good is the seafood salad platter." The two of

them continued to deliberate about this for the better part of 8

minutes, which I will spare you all from, although it was quite

entertaining. (What do you think is in it? Crab? Lobster? Shrimp?

Imitation or real? What if there's too much mayo? Onions? Should we

toast it? and so on and so on.)

8:42a I moseyed on over to Agnus' lair very nonchalantly to check

today's stock. We have bursting sandwich baggies, one containing Fruit

Loops, one containing Chex Mix. When I say bursting I mean BURSTING.

While I was paying my visit I stated, "Are those Fruit Loops?! I

haven't had those in forever, I forgot all about them!" Agnus replies,

"Yea! They are. They're having a limited edition thingy right now,

they're putting these in the box" She proudly holds the bag up for my

inspection, where I spied the surprise. It appears the pink fruit

loops are temporarily in the shape of 8's instead of O's. I said,

"Huh. I wonder what prompted that, is there any reasoning behind it?"

"I don't know, didn't see anything on the box." I said, "I wonder if

it was manufacturer error and they're trying to play it off as

intentional." She looked at me more perplexed than I have ever seen

before. Yes, Agnus. I am a genius. Ain't no cheesy marketing gonna get

by me. It's okay, they taste the same, buck up Jr.

9:07a "Alright it's Fruit Loop time." Walks over to the fridge,

removes her Tupperware full of milk. Have at it, girl. "God dammit, I

just realized that I forgot to bring my tuna fish. I made tuna fish

for today and I forgot to grab it when I went downstairs to get my

milk and everything. That's okay, I have my backup PB&J." Oh thank

goodness!

9:09a "These are good, they're not as heavy as Cheerios. I like them,

they're just lighter." Thanks for the update.

9:12a "Well, those were good, I'm still stuck on my Honey Nut Cheerios though."

9:52a "Yeeeaaauuup. Seafood salad. Mmmmmmmmmmmmm."

10:34-11:52a Back and forth and back and forth and back and forth

about what's for lunch. I had to obtain FOUR, I repeat, FOUR, faxes of

Daily Specials in addition the the ones we automatically receive.

There were 6 employees (out of a total of 6 employees) all heavily

debating where we should go for lunch, two of them being huge

advocates for fish on Fridays (guess who), the three men being huge

advocates of meat all the time, and me, being a huge advocate of going

wherever had vegetable soup for me to supplement my wrap with. FINALLY

we all compromised on a local deli. Agnus and Stacy were getting the

special named- I shit you not- "Lady Gouda- Iva Surprise", which

contained beer battered cod, smoked gouda, and tartar sauce on a hard

roll. I can't wait to hear all about this once teeth and tongue hit

bread.

12:16p Patiently awaiting lunch's arrival. There has been surprisingly

minimal munching this morning.

12:32p Lunch has arrived.

12:36p With hands full, "It looks good...." not ten seconds later,

with mouth full, "and it tastes good."

12:37p I turned around and asked Stacey, "Is that Gouda?". We all had

a chuckle and mentioned how that was funny, yet supremely corny.

12:39p "This roll is just so friggin good it's not funny. It makes the

whole sandwich, ya know?" Actually, it is funny.

12:42p "That was horrible. Don't ever make me eat it again." We won't.

But I guarantee that you will.

12:42p-2:26p Very dull period, unfortunately. I have tried provoking

things by asking for candy and snacks, but I got nothing.

2:28p REFUSES to join Stacy and I in our 2pm coffee ritual. I am

floored. Wouldn't even accept a cappuccino. Systems are breaking

down!!!!!!

3:06p Well, the day, week, is swiftly coming to a close and there are

no signs of munching from across the way. That being said I am closing

today's issue early. Have a nice weekend, my friends, can't wait to be

back on Monday. Love always.